


Longing Heart, Lonely Hunter

by o0Hexelein0o



Category: Boy Meets World
Genre: Don't copy to another site, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, One-Sided Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-09
Updated: 2019-10-09
Packaged: 2020-11-27 22:41:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20956085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/o0Hexelein0o/pseuds/o0Hexelein0o
Summary: Shawn’s life in a nutshell is not really how he wanted it to turn out. Shawn’s life in a nutshell is not what Cory wants and it kills Shawn inside.





	Longing Heart, Lonely Hunter

**Author's Note:**

>   
So, that's officially the first real fic I've ever finished and also the first piece I'm posting here, how exciting !  
This fandom, and especially this pairing deserves way ,more fics !  
I love Shawn Hunter to bits, he's my favorite character in the entire show, and I'm a sucker for drama and not only headcanon Shawn as bi, but also believe that he's totally in love with Cory.  
This fic is more like a character study I guess ? Just Shawn reminiscing about how he fell in love with Cory. Pretty much onesided because that boy hasn't suffered enough yet, sorry folks.  
The fic references many episodes and contains mentions of parental abandonment, aka Chet and Virna.
> 
> Thanks to the lovley [vicci-i](https://vicci-i.tumblr.com/) (on Tumblr) for beta reading this !  
English isn't her or my first language, so please have mercy.  
If you find any mistakes that we missed feel free to tell me :)
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own Boy Meets World and we all know it.

Sometimes, Shawn thinks he knew for a very long time that he was in love with Cory.   
He doesn’t really remember the exact time he fell for him.  
He probably didn’t even identify the feelings he had for Cory as love back then.   
It was not a special moment, no sudden realization that hit him like a rocket. It was slow and bittersweet. Little things that made Shawn appreciate Cory more and more while they grew up together.  
Shawn is a kid and can barely reach over the scratched-up table that they use as dinner table, but he already lies awake at night thinking about Cory.  
He thinks of how nice it would be if he could lie next to him, just staying awake for hours and giggling about stupid jokes.  
Just hearing him talk about his plans and ideas and how they could avoid doing Feeney's homework and play hockey all day instead.  
He still thinks of Cory at night, even if most of the time it is not as innocent as it used to be when he was little. Sometimes he feels guilty, but most of the time he just wants and desires and pains himself because stilling these thoughts would never be possible in this reality.  
There is a time when his dad has gotten all his shit together and they are able to buy a house and play happy family. It is nice, living so close to Cory. It is nice feeling like this could be his life from now on, being part of a hard-working middle-class family, with a dad that isn't drunk most of the time and doesn’t tell him stories about made up nonsense. Having a mom that doesn’t look like she'd run off any minute, again, because she can’t stand anymore of the tales his father spins. He and his dad are really alike in this regard, having big dreams that they would never be able to fulfill.

Cory had always been the picture of average, and he'd always hated it. He is jealous of Shawn for being dangerous, as he put it.  
Shawn would never understand why Cory was seemingly willing to exchange his safe, nice life for something like Shawn’s fucked up reminder of how the world could screw you.   
Cory has a nice family that loves him and is around to provide him with not only enough food and nice clothes, but also to love him unconditionally.  
The Matthews care about his wellbeing without setting standards that a kid could never fulfill.   
Cory’s mother tucks him into bed and kisses his forehead and Cory complains about it the next day nonstop. Shawn has a mother that doesn’t seem to like to be around him or his Dad, one that doesn’t respond to letters, but also strokes Shawn’s hair so gently when she is around that it hurts Shawn even more the next time she takes off again.  
Cory tells Shawn that Alan is angry with him for deciding to play basketball with a few of their schoolmates instead of joining his father to watch that movie marathon they had planned a few days ago. Shawn wonders if his own dad had ever been angry with him for not spending time with him.   
He comes to the conclusion that no, his dad only really gets angry with him when he’s drunk and Shawn gets in the way of the television and Chet’s face.  
Shawn spends nights like these in his tiny room, avoiding his dad in an attempt to not make him angrier and risk more shouting.  
The days after it is awkward between them and his dad promises that they’re going to spend some time together. Then they pick up some food coupons and get lunch, laugh a bit and after that his dad is on the road again and ignores Shawn until the next drunken escapade.   
Shawn spends more time at the Matthew's when that happens.   
Amy puts extra portions on his plate while Cory asks him if he wants to sleep over because they should totally sleep in the treehouse tonight, maybe they can spy on Feeny and find out what kind of torture he plans for the next lesson. He looks so serious while he’s talking and it makes Shawn laugh so hard that his soda shots out of his nostrils.  
Eric makes wheezing sounds that don’t sound human anymore and Morgan tells him he’s disgusting. Shawn is having the best week of his life and his parents don’t even cross his mind that often anymore.

For a long time, it’s only him and Cory because Cory has decided to stop playing with Topanga when they start second grade. Shawn thinks it has something to do with Eric making fun of him.  
It’s actually nice to have Cory only for himself because Cory and Topanga had been inseparable since Shawn had met them that fateful day at the zoo.  
They supposedly have been friends since they were toddlers, even if Shawn kind of doesn’t believe that, because who would be friends with someone who probably hit you with a rattle when your parents weren’t looking.  
At least that had happened to Shawn with his toddler friends, or so his dad had told him.   
Before Cory, he didn’t really have any friends that didn’t live at the trailer park anyway.  
He probably wouldn’t know what kids like Topanga and Cory got up to in with their nice little play blankets and toys that weren’t halfway broken already.   
It wasn’t like he didn’t like Topanga. She could be fun to have around, and they had needed a princess to fight over when they still played dumb knight and kingdom games.  
Both of them never really wanted to fight each other, and Shawn didn’t really want to win Topanga over either.  
But after Cory puts an end to his and Topanga’s friendship, she becomes a bit of a weirdo.   
She lets her hair grow out to the point that it looks like she’d need hours to get it to dry, and she also starts to wear weird clothes and tells them how they are destroying the planet by not putting trash in the right trashcans.   
Shawn and Cory start to make fun of her, and the next time they see her she is sitting with Minkus and the other nerds. Shawn and Cory continue on with their lives, and Shawn is happy to be the center of  
Cory’s attention for a few years.   
When Feeny puts Topanga and Cory together for an assignment that changes.   
Shawn doesn’t really mind Topanga being around again when they start middle school because suddenly he notices that girl can have very pretty faces, and nice hair and cute smiles. He starts dating and isn’t bothered when Cory spends more time with Topanga again.  


Shawn’s happiest memories are things like sharing cake at the mall with Cory or the happy bubbly feeling he gets when he thinks about how most of the stuff he owns is spread all around Cory’s room like it belongs there. When Shawn leans into Cory while their reading the new X-Men issue it just feels right.  
It feels like he belongs because Cory smells like wood chippers and like the fancy lemon shampoo Shawn also uses when he's staying over at the Matthew's.  
He smells like blueberry pancakes in the morning and fresh laundry because his mother is around long enough to wash his clothes regularly.  
Sometimes Cory lends him clothes. Shawn is not embarrassed of his old sweaters and the ratty jeans he wears until they fall apart at the seams. But when even Cory’s Mother can’t fix them anymore and Shawn is on his own again and has no money to even consider buying clothes for a while, Cory just shoves a few of his Shirts and jeans in his hands.  
To Cory it is probably not even worth mentioning but to Shawn it means so much more than just the warmth of a clothing item. He likes the feeling of Cory's warm sweaters on his skin because they’re not itchy like the second hand ones he wears and they smell like Cory and Cory smells like home.   
When Shawn hits a growth spurt the clothes Cory sometimes lends him suspiciously still fit. This is mostly due to the fact that suddenly, Cory sometimes wears baggy jeans and shirts a few sizes too big for him. When Shawn finally is brave enough to ask him about it Cory just shrugs his shoulders and tells him that it’s what cool people wear now, isn’t it? Shawn just nods and tells him he guesses so.  
Secretly, he is very thankful that Cory doesn’t draw attention to the fact that he changed his whole wardrobe because Shawn is a charity case. Even if he doesn’t really feel like one when Cory and him sit on the Matthews living room couch and the Shirt he’s been wearing all day still smells like his best friend.  
  
Even if Shawn can't play by their rules, he knows Cory's family is to an extend his family and they'll always have an open door for him.  
Even if it doesn't always feel like Alan and Amy approve of everything he stands for, Shawn doesn’t mind when Cory's mother is berating him because at least she is there to do it.  
And when Cory's father is yelling at him it's not that bad because his breath doesn't smell like alcohol and he isn't hovering over Shawn like he wants to intimidate him.  
He also doesn't apologize the next morning because he doesn't overstep boundaries or runs off, but means what he says and keeps his promises.  
Chet’s apologies rarely feel genuine, even when he is sober.   
Even though Shawn has a brother he's been an only child most of his life, so when Eric teases him just like he teases Cory it becomes a familiar comfort. Shawn takes pride in the invitations that Morgan draws him and attends her tea parties as one of the few alive guests. He doesn’t even complain when Mrs. Strawberry Shortcake starts to annoy the heck out of him.   
Amy asks him to set the plates for dinner like she would ask any of her other children to do. Alan takes him fishing, even when Cory isn’t with them.  
It’s these little things that make Shawn feel like he could fit in with the Matthew's.   
Because they don't treat him like a guest when he is over, but like one of their own. So yes, even though Shawn knows he doesn’t belong there, shouldn't infest a home with all of his troubles and worries because he knows they care, Cory's home feels like his home because Cory is his home.   
The only place where he belongs, the only person he belongs with.   
The only times Shawn feels like he can be himself without being ashamed or guilty or sad for a while are when he is with Cory.  
Cory had always made him feel like he was worth something.  
When Alan once comments offhand that Shawn is family, like he has the right to stay and listen in on conversations that only concern the Matthews, it almost feels like it is real.  
Like Shawn could be a part of this family. Like it was that easy.  
Shawn’s chest pains with longing for the rest of the afternoon.  
  
The first time Shawn ever thinks about kissing a guy is when Gary looks at him like he is interested in his worries.  
Because he looks at Shawn like he won’t judge him. Because he looks at him like he is worth something.  
Even though it’s not really Shawn Gary is looking at then, the look reminds him of Cory too much, and Shawn’s fight or flight reflexes tell him to call a waitress.  
Food, food is always a good distraction when his heart beats to his throat. There is never enough food at home to make him forget though.  
After the waitress turns out to be Cory in drag and the date ends with Shawn punching Gary instead of kissing him, he chucks that thought.  
Banned in the corners of his brain where all of Feeney's lesson are stored, never to be revised again.  
The second time Shawn thinks about kissing a boy he knows it’s bad because that boy is Cory Matthews and it feels so right in his head that it can only be wrong, like everything else his mind comes up with. That time is also the time he knows Cory is in for the long run because he has just pulled him out of a weird cult full of lost souls, has hugged him like nobody has ever hugged Shawn before and left him in a hospital room to confront the feelings he has buried deep inside of him because he never realized how many people truly loved him.  
And when Shawn steps outside again, eyes red rimmed and heart heavy, Cory just stands there, waiting for him with the rest of the people Shawn cares for most in the world. Shawn wants nothing more than to press his lips against Cory's crooked grin when he tells him he thinks John is going to be fine.   
Instead, Shawn tells Mr. Mack to go to hell, and later watches Topanga and Cory hold hands on the Matthews living room couch. The burning in the pitch of his stomach tells him that he won’t get the idea of kissing Cory out of his head any time soon.  
When Shawn finally gets to kiss a guy for the first time, it’s not that different from kissing a girl. The feeling of tingling lips and wet tongues is the same.  
Though there is a bit more stubble, a little less gloss to taste, and maybe the kiss is a bit more aggressive than with a girl.  
Shawn’s fingertips brush a strong jaw instead of smooth shining skin and the growls that Max makes are deeper than he is used to.  
So maybe it is a bit different to kiss a guy, but to the core it makes Shawn feel the same excitement, a warmth bubbling up in his stomach, the same anticipation of more spark up beneath his heart. So, Shawn likes to kiss girls, and Shawn likes to kiss guys.  
After a few months this way of thinking comes natural to him.  
He still dates girls, and occasionally he hangs out with other guys and makes out with them a little. It isn’t a big deal.  
Until he sees Cory again and remembers that he would like to kiss him too. Because wanting to kiss girls and wanting to kiss guys is fine with Shawn. But wanting to kiss Cory is something sinister, something that Shawn should feel guilty for even slipping into his mind.  
  
When Cory and Shawn get touchy with each other in public it is always pretty funny to anyone but Shawn. They might be close, but boys should not touch this way. They’re just being goofy again. Topanga will tell them off, Cory will flash his big radiant smile and the imaginary audience will clap while the laugh track plays in the background.   
And Shawn? Shawn will feel like his heart is emptier than before. When they are around people, him and Cory are always a joke.  
One of them eventually pulls off, acts as if touching the other is something icky, something you'll get cooties out of if you’re not careful.  
When they were in kindergarten, playing in the sandpit and pretending they were adventurers, it was always the girls that had cooties.   
Eric had laughed at Cory for playing with Topanga back then. These days it is apparently Shawn that has cooties, and girls are much more interesting. Shawn doesn’t disagree, how can he when girls are soft and pretty and smell good?  
But the thing is, Shawn likes guys too and Cory also smells good, like home and lemon shampoo and wood chippers.  
And to Cory, Topanga is now the most interesting thing there can be. Eric doesn’t joke about her having cooties anymore either.  
Instead he laughs with the rest of them when there is any indication that there might be a bit too much affection between his younger brother and the loveable trailer park boy that has been following Cory like a lost puppy ever since that time in the zoo. And the older Shawn gets, the more it hurts.For him touching Cory doesn’t feel like anything he'd like to shy away from anymore.The thought about laughing it off makes him feel sick to his throat.  
The thought of admitting what it means that he feels like this makes him throw up for real one evening. The other day, when it was just the two of them in Cory’s living room, watching a trashy horror movie, Cory had casually thrown an arm around Shawn.  
The goosebumps Shawn had after the movie did have nothing to do with the crappy storyline or cheap jump scares.  
Cory brushes Shawn's hand when they share a large portion of nachos over at Chubbies.  
He absent mindedly rubs Shawn’s arm or tight, or plays with his hair when they are just hanging around or read comics. And Shawn is sure that Cory doesn’t know what he is doing, doesn’t know what it says about their relationship and how it is a serious danger to Shawn's regular heart rate. For Cory it is all normal, all fine and acceptable to touch him like this when they are alone, and when they are out in public it’s all joking and laughing for others, nothing serious.  
For Shawn it’s a torture because Cory will never know how much those touches mean to Shawn, and how much he wishes they'd mean as much to Cory.  
Shawn is sure of this because he never told anyone that he sometimes kisses guys, or that he would like to kiss Cory a lot. Shawn will make sure to never tell anyone because he fears they will all stop laughing about Cory and him being close as soon as they know.  
Shawn also knows that would earn him more than a few uncomfortable and awkward stares or disapproving head shakes.  
It is all fun and games, and Shawn will laugh along in public, will silently suffer in only Cory's presence, and cry himself to sleep when he is alone. Because then nobody laughs, and it’s only Shawn and his thoughts that drown him.  
Sometimes, when he has hidden his poetry under his bed, after he has written down all his woes, he likes to imagine what it would be like if his life was a bit different.  
If he'd be as close to Cory as he is now, if he wasn't trailer park trash. If he'd be even closer to him, if that was the case because there would not have been as many screw ups between them?  
If he was born a girl, would Cory have chosen him over Topanga?   
When he'd been Veronica and looked in the mirror, the feeling of Cory's hand guiding him through the hall still lingering on his back, the burning on his skin because Cory's eyes had held something that seemed close to want, close to the way that Shawn himself looked at Cory, he had felt right.  
He had felt beautiful and right. But after he'd washed of the makeup, old Shawn the trailer park boy staring back at him again, he hadn’t been sure what he felt.  
Because Shawn the trailer park boy was different from Veronika Wasboiski. He couldn't be a model wife, a model mother, anything that Cory Mathews wanted in life. Shawn wasn't sure if he'd really liked Veronica, or the idea of Veronica because Cory would have liked her.  
He had thrown the dress he'd worn on the date away afterwards because he didn't need more confusion in his life. Maybe him and Cory could have had a future together if things weren't how they were. If Shawn wasn't Shawn. After a while of letting his thoughts drift in territories like that, Shawn just shut down, because after all thinking about things like that made the crack in his heart grew wider. He'll still think about it from time to time, probably till his heart will finally break because dreams taste way sweeter than reality.  
Dreams tastes like wood chippers and blueberry pancakes and fancy lemon shampoo. Dreams taste like Cory and Cory is home. Shawn falls asleep with thoughts like that but wakes up with an empty heart.  


Shawn’s dad leaves again, but Shawn also gains a brother, so he doesn’t complain much.   
At first it’s rough, living with Jack and getting to know him when they’ve been strangers for most of their lives, coming from such different backgrounds that it’s hard to believe that they're brothers.  
The only thing that seems to connect them is the fact that they sound very much like their dad when they shout at each other and that Chet has abandoned both of them.   
But after Cory’s persistence Shawn slowly warms up to Jack and gets used to relying on someone who isn’t a Matthews or Feeny.  
Shawn is not for the first time thankful to have Cory as a best friend.   
When the topic of universities comes up between him and Cory he almost changes his mind about that.  
As Shawn hears of all those highly intellectual schools with fancy names like Stanford, he remembers the looks that Topanga and Cory had shared when he gave them a dumb answer for one of these mock exam questions. And it hits him for the first time ever that maybe after graduation will be the time that his and Cory's lives are going split into different roads. And he doesn’t like that, he doesn’t like that at all because his two best friends, the only constants in his life will be doing just fine without him in one of those fancy schools and they are going to make something out of their lives while he is going to stay at the trailer park, jobless and spinning adventurous tales of things that never happened.  
He spills his guts out to Jack the night he and Cory fight, confessing that it’s probably their biggest fight yet because the way Cory dumbs Shawn’s stuff in front of the apartment and runs of with Lionel has a finality that makes his stomach squirm with anxiety.  
He is in the middle of bad-mouthing Lionel when Jack looks at him with a kind of pity in his eyes that tells Shawn he has probably sounded jealous and because Jack isn’t dumb that means he probably figured out that …  
And then Shawn’s train of thoughts is cut short by his big brother wrapping his arms around him and hugging him, and it feels just as comforting as movies always want to make people believe. For the first time in his life Shawn feels like he finally has a family outside of the Matthews, the big brother he always wished was with him when the trailer park seemed cold at night and his mom and dad were fighting again.  
It’s kind of like a huge stone finally rolls down Shawn’s shoulders and he starts to sob uncontrollably into his brother’s chest and tells him just how much Cory means to him and that he likes girls and guys and Jack only holds him and listens. He isn’t disgusted or angry or judging Shawn. And Shawn finally feels a kind of freedom, a heaviness leaves his heart of which he didn’t know just how much it weighed him down.  
After he has used up all his tears and energy, he takes a shaky breath, slowly entangling himself from Jacks death grip and is met with a gaze so full of trust and love that he has to laugh. But Jack stays serious and tells him that whatever happens, whoever Shawn decides to be or be with they are always going to be brothers and Jack will love him and be there no matter what because they just got a second chance to be a family and he’s not going to throw it away for anything.  
Shawn was never more reassured then he is now, and they don’t talk about it much because it’s really not a big deal after all, but Shawn knows that his brother has his back no matter what. When Cory and Shawn make up shortly after that and living with Eric is still as funny as it is exhausting the universe seems to be restored again and lives goes on like usual.  
  
It’s a Saturday when Shawn decides he will just stop dreaming altogether because he can never have what Cory and Topanga have.  
Like every Saturday Shawn is at Cory’s to play video games that Shawn could never afford and listen to Cory using curses he’d never be caught death mumbling if it weren’t for his characters ass being kicked by Shawn superior gaming skills. It still sometimes feels like Shawn is intruding, because since Cory and Topanga have made up again they're nearly as inseparable as Shawn and Cory are. Meaning she sits on the other side of Cory’s couch, frowning at the screen because she does not approve of this display of violence.  
Cory is even worse than usual because most of the time he isn’t looking at the screen but at Topangas beautifully scrunched up face.  
He’s smiling like a lovestruck idiot and Shawn can’t even blame him for it.   
When Amy walks by Topanga quickly engages her in a conversation, and Amy smiles at her because she’s the ideal daughter- in-law and Cory’s parents already think of her like that.  
Even now that Cory’s attention is focused on Shawn again, it’s moments like these that remind Shawn that he was never going to really be a part of their family, at least not like  
Topanga will be. Because Topanga and Cory are going to get married someday.  
Topanga will be at Christmas and other holidays, be Amy's and Alan's daughter-in-law, Eric and Morgan’s sister- in-law.  
The mother of their future grandchildren and nieces or nephews.  
Topanga will be a real part of this family, and she won’t feel like she is a puzzle piece that probably could match the puzzle if it were not for those rough edges that didn't quite fit into the whole picture. Shawn could never hate Topanga for having what he couldn't have, she was his friend too. But sometimes Shawn was a bit scared, regardless of how much he loved her, that she'd just replace him. Not only as Cory's best friend, but also as the person who'd make the Matthews realize that an addition like Shawn that did not really fit into their family would just be unnecessary to keep around.  
That maybe Cory would just forget about him when he finally had two children that had his curly hair and Topanga’s brilliant eyes, or his crooked smile and her wit.  
There was nothing Shawn could give but trouble and worry for the people he loved. After they finished their fifth match and Cory barley had won by bumping his shoulder into Shawn’s, momentarily distracting him, Topanga comes back into the living room, her purse already swung over her shoulder.  
“I’m heading home, I still have to finish that essay for Feeny. You two should also start on that soon.” She says smiling, knowing full well that neither Shawn nor Cory will start to work on their homework until it’s supposed to be handed in. Cory looks up at her with puppy eyes, taking her hands and pulling her towards him.  
“Do you really have to leave so soon?” She gives him a stern look, but doesn’t stop smiling, so Cory presses a soft kiss against her lips and let’s go of her.  
Shawn is thankful that they’re out of their freshly-in-love phase, but it still pulls on his heart when they’re affectionate like this, like there is nobody around but them. He fake coughs, and Topanga rolls her eyes but also hugs him goodbye. “If you start with the assignment a day or two before the deadline, I might even consider helping you with it.”  
Her hands are warm on his back as she says it, and he’s reminded of the time Topanga and Cory tried to get him to attend Feeney's revision courses.  
Her tone is full of affection and Cory looks at her like she hung the stars.  
Shawn could never hate her for what she and Cory have, but he can always hate himself for not being what Cory wants to have. He is used to it by now anyways.  
  
When Shawn falls in love with the content of a purse, under the impression that the girl of his dreams hides behind poetry and fruity lip balm, he begins to have hope.  
Maybe he isn’t destined to die alone while Topanga and Cory get buried side by side and their grandchildren tell their children about this epic love story while thinking about poor lonely uncle Shawnie. That maybe Shawn can let go of the crush he has on his best friend and finally find a way out of the maze of misery he has trapped himself in.  
Then Shawn gets his heart broken and restored soon after and it’s revealed that his mysterious purse girl is Angela, so he even believes it for a while.  
With Angela its very different than with every other person Shawn has been before. It’s also different than with Cory, but in a good way. Angela matches his kind of humor, and she talks about thinks with him that Cory does not always want to talk about.  
She is understanding and patient where Cory is stubborn and takes action without considering consequences that could follow for Shawn. Angela and him share interests that Cory has no connection to. Angela is soft and playful with Shawn in ways that he had wished Cory could be with him.  
For a while Shawn is really content with being with her and going on double dates with Cory and Topanga.  
Shawn is happy and in love with Angela, and Cory is happy for Shawn.  
And then they’re going to college and Cory and Topanga want to get married and it reawakes feelings in Shawn that probably never have disappeared in the first place, so he tells Angela they should meet new people.  
A while after that his Dad dies and Shawn doesn’t know what to feel anymore, so he lets genetics lead the way and does what he always does. He runs.  
And even though he still has feelings for her, the person he misses the most is not Angela but Cory, and Shawn’s vicious circle of self-hatred and longing starts again.  
  
They were always going to be Shawn and Cory and Cory and Shawn.  
Except when they weren't because from the moment that Topanga and Cory exchange rings it was Topanga and Cory and Cory and Topanga till death did them apart.  
It is horrible, that gut wrenching feeling in Shawn that seems to coexist within him as long as he is sort of at Cory's side, even if it isn’t beside him like Shawn would like to be.  
He is right next to him at the altar, as is best man, as his best friend.   
Topanga teary eyed reads her vows, tells Cory how much she loves him while he smiles at her in a way that he never smiled before, never smiled at Shawn.  
Shawn is standing there as the best friend, the best man, as the guy who should be happy for two of the most important people in his life on the most important day of their lives.  
But it’s not enough for Shawn and it hurts him in a way that he can’t begin to describe because in the end he’s just the guy that is in love with his best friend. The guy who suffers with every syllable said until he is standing aside and Cory Matthews and Topanga Matthews are kissing and their future unfolds right in front of everyone.  
A happy marriage, beautiful children and a nice house. Everything Cory has ever wanted, and he looks like it, the luckiest man alive.  
Shawn has to look away to stop the tears burning in the corner of his eyes.   
Cory is happy and Topanga is happy, everyone else is happy and Shawn is hurting.  
But he has brought this upon himself, starting with him pushing Cory and Topanga together since they've been in elementary school and ending with him not turning around but staying to watch them love each other like he wished he could love Angela. Because that was what Cory wanted, wasn't it?  
A normal, uncomplicated life, a wife and kids. A best friend that found his own happiness with a girl that happened to be Topanga’s best friend.  
Their children could get married later and they’d be a big content family.  
Topanga is a nice girl, she loves Cory enough, and Cory loves her enough. She can give him all that, and Shawn can’t.  
So, Shawn pushed and pushed and pushed as far as he could, and let destiny do the rest, now watching from the side lines how the love of his life marries somebody else, somebody that is also Shawn’s friend. Because the thing that would hurt even more than letting him get married to someone else would be to let him go.  
Shawn is Cory’s best friend and best man, and Angela’s boyfriend like he is supposed to be.   
He still knows that it’s not normal, neither his outburst, nor Cory's response to it, but nobody here seems to mind, not even the bride herself. That should have been an indicator that yes, maybe Shawn and Cory are to close and have been for a long time.  
But he wants Cory to have this, his model wife and model life because this quiet picture of average will make Cory happy, and that is all Shawn wants even if he himself is miserable.  
It’s also way easier to hurt just himself than all three of them.  
Weeks after the wedding he still feels like his lungs are on fire and he is suffocating, the bitter taste of Cory calling him trailer trash sometimes still on his tongue.  
Topanga’s vows also echo through his head when he is trying not to think about her as Mrs. Matthews.  
And when they start fighting, he is almost pleased that after all it is not as picture perfect as it seemed to have been. But as soon as he sees Topanga is hurting and Cory is questioning every choice he has ever made it breaks Shawn’s heart too and he feels more guilty than he ever has in his life.  
So he reassures them and tries to help them fix this mess and of course they resolve everything because they're Cory and Topanga and they’re meant to be.  
Shawn is as glad for them as he is sorry for himself.   
Sometimes Shawn feels a little bit like he’s in the story of Cyrano. He had made fun of it in school but now he’s there he kind of understands the guy.  
Wanting your beloved to be happy, making the ultimate selfless sacrifice.   
He even writes sad poetry, though not all of it is about Cory.   
Topanga had called the play very romantic back in middle school. He wonders if she’d still think so if she knew that Shawn was the Cyrano of her and Cory’s story.  
Knowing her, it was as hard to believe she wouldn’t as it was to believe she’d ever be angry with Shawn for it.  
Not even Angela can mend his feeling now, and she is as perfect as a girl can be and he likes her so so much but It’s just not enough.  
Later when her father plans to take her to Europe, Shawn holds onto her more than it’s fair to both of them, more than he has a right to.  
He is sorry for her, and sorry for himself and for what could have been between them if it weren't for Cory Matthews who has stolen Shawn's heart before even he had realized it.  
He loves Angela, and he fought for her and he’ll miss her dearly, but Cory always has a piece of his heart that Shawn will never get back, and Angela doesn’t deserve half a heart and a broken man.  
It hurts to let her go, but Shawn is glad he did because in the long run it would have drained both of them of energy they could not afford to waste when there where so many opportunities ahead of them. Especially when Angela could still enjoy the coming years with her father by her side.  
Shawn knows she’ll treasure that time, because he can only listen to the bad advice of a ghost and is still more thankful for it than he ever was when Chet was alive.  


“You love him more than I do. “Topanga had told him once, ages ago. Before Riley and Auggie and before her and Cory’s happily ever after.  
Maybe she had been right, because sometimes she'll look at him with that certain, knowing gaze that makes his insides crawl with guilt.  
Cory and him have a mutual understanding that Topanga envied, as she had confessed to him on one of their first nights in New York when they were both too tipsy, Cory snoring on the couch while they sat on the floor together. Shawn had nearly let it slip that he envied her even more.  
She and Cory would never have what Shawn has with his best friend. But neither would Shawn ever have what Topanga has with her husband.  
Shawn isn’t sure which one he'd rather have.  
Shawn confesses to Cory that he is bi and Cory tells him that he kind of figured.  
It’s nonchalant, another heavy weight is lifted off of Shawn’s chest and life goes on. Cory treats him like he always did, touches him the way he had always touched him.  
Shawn doesn’t know if he should be relieved or disappointed.   
Topanga tells him she is proud of him for coming out to them and hugs him tightly.  
Shawn is sure she knows at this point, or has for a long time by now.   
He hugs her back and feels like a traitor for loving her husband while she still squeezes his shoulders gently.  
When Topanga and Cory meet his first real boyfriend, they go on double dates together, just like they would if Shawn was dating a woman.  
Even though they get along well Topanga acts like the mother she soon will be and makes it clear that if Andrew were to break Shawn’s heart, Cory and her would turn on him in a second.  
Just like she would if Shawn was dating a woman.  
It makes Shawn laugh and his heart fills with affection and he can’t help but think that Topanga and Cory will make amazing parents.  


When Shawn looks back on how his life has turned out, he thinks it’s not all that bad.   
He has a job he loves, he earns good money, but most importantly he didn’t end up like his father, or screwed anyone else up for good.  
Life hasn’t been too kind on him until now, but he turned out all right, a man that his family and friends could be proud of. He’s ok with that, really.  
He’s not as happy as he could be, and sometimes looking at Riley and Auggie still hurts because he can see the little things that make them Cory and Topanga’s.  
Like when Auggie begins to rant about things in a way that Shawn remembers Cory doing, gesturing so frantically that he nearly knocks over nearby glasses.  
Or the way that Riley talks to her friends in a mothering way, not unsimilar to Topanga. The next moments she laughs just as ridiculous as Cory and Shawn feels his heart clench.  
After Riley confront him about the Christmas incident and accuses him of not caring he tries to be more present in her life, and is rewarded not only with his goddaughters smile, but also with Maya’s and, later on, Katy’s affection.  
It’s soothing to know that maybe he can be there for Maya, as some kind of father figure to spare her the bad things that Shawn had to grow up with. Or at least prepare her for some, because the way she looks at Riley is the way Shawn still looks at Cory sometimes.  
And since Riley is very much like her father, Shawn can only hope that this Lucas kid is not her Topanga.   
But the kids are not them, so there is still hope, and Shawn really wants Maya to be happy too.   
Katy isn’t Angela or Cory, and he is probably not the man she was searching for, but she doesn’t mind that or the fact that Shawn still hangs onto another love.  
For the moment they’re content with each other. And maybe someday they can even be happy with each other.  
In the end he is still kind of in love with his best friend, he still can’t hate Topanga one bit, and he loves their children because they’re a joy to be with and Cory is a good dad and he wants Shawn to be the best uncle there can be.  
Regardless, when Shawn visits them and sees the way Cory dotes on his children, the way he still looks at Topanga like when they were their teenagers, there is a warmth next to the longing in his heart because he is glad that at least Cory has found his happy ending.  
Even if it’s not with Shawn.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
